Open Letter To My Future Girlfriend
by Ion
Copyright: © 2008
If my future girlfriend is listening to this poem right now
please... don’t be intimidated by my “poetry lifestyle”
I’ve saved up frequent flyers miles from ego trips, so I don’t act like
I’m goin be on MTV cribs talkin bout
“What up bitches, its Ion!
Let’s check out the master bedroom...Do yall see this?
I got a king size cloud as a bed, and my closet leads to Narnia mutha fuckas!
Now I know cats be like oh you ain’t balling unless you got a Benz, or the Phantom.
Check this out, I got a parking lot filled with Autobots, That’s right
I’m roaming the block in Optimus Prime, with the custom Sound Wave stereo system
and Megatron in the glove compartment“THIS IS THE MOST BALLIN’ @#$*% EVER”
It’s not like that. To prove it, our first date will be an open mic
so you can see what I believe to be the best way to view the world
by sitting in an audience watching people perform their own autopsies
verbalizing everything buried inside of them...out of them, it’s a beautiful thing...
Yes, that was me attempting to be romantic, I’d give it a 8.5 at best
but I know I can pull off awkwardly cute cause I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve
I keep it in a G.I. Joe lunch-box that I'm waiting to put on display to you for show and tell.
And I’ll tell you something right now... I’m fatally honest
so if you ask me “ what are you thinking” know that I don’t have a train of thought,
its more like thoughts running a train on random and my response will probably be,
“I think that if God was going to start talking to people again
she would probably use a cell -phone which makes me wonder
what service she’d have and if she’d get upset if I was like
”Yo God, sorry to cut you off mid sentence but can you call back after 9?”
Which would be followed by, “Transformers... I guess jazz was the black autobot?
What up bitches I’ma kick it over here a mutha @$#*^% minute...
and now we know black robots die at the end of movies also.”
Look, these were the thoughts you wanted to know,
so don’t judge me and I won’t judge your cooking... ever,
I’ll eat it with no complaints like it was made straight out of an episode of
Everyday Itallian, Top Chef or Barefoot Contessa
Yes, I’m up on Food Network and Bravo.
Now in regards to the physical part of the relationship
where most men would brag about their abilities rest assured
I’ve done my homework and I know that there is nothing in this world
that turns a woman on more...then saving money.
So when you ask me to talk dirty to you it would consists of
“Yea girl....Forever 21 has a 20% off sale on all tops,
Off 5th is having a sale on all brand name shoes,
and Macy’s is having an all out clearance sale next week
and I just cleared up the credit on your card!”
Yea, this is when panties get racially profiled and pulled to the side but know
that what we write in bed sheets won’t be translated to loose leefs
cause that’s between us...and the friends you’ll talk to about it.
But if this doesn’t work out I don’t want you to worry about the break up,
I’ve been dumped by E- mail, facebook, and my personal favorite
via text message that read “Sorry, I already moved on”
sent 41 minutes into new years day which is two weeks before my birthday
so unless you choose to end this face to face you won’t surprise me...but I don’t hold grudges.
My ex’s consist of a doctor, a nurse, and a teacher,
so realize that you won’t be hindered if this ends
and you’ll have no excuse not to accomplish whatever is ahead of you
cause there is still going to be a boy holding a G.I. Joe lunch box in hand hoping you’re happy
and no, that wasn’t me attempting to be romantic that was me being fatally honest.
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